Monday, December 29, 2008

Gotta make some changes

This picture was taken in 11/02/08 at the annual "Toys for Tots" run. Ahhhh! I have got to loose some weight! When I saw this pic, it really freaked me out. Pictures do not lie. Although I have to say, that is one bad ass motorcycle. I would look much cooler riding it if I was 30lbs lighter. This is my goal. Maybe after that, I'll go another 20lbs.

I have to concentrate on the future. Sadly, the past is past. I crave happiness. I can't have my Randy back. This doesn't mean I can't create another form of happiness.

This is no New Year resolution, this is me, needing to make a change. I have to do this on my own. No one can help me. I can and will do this. If I want to survive, I have no other choice.

Friday, December 26, 2008


I feel pain and anguish. I feel incomplete. I no longer know what my life goals are. I don't know what I want. I no longer have a partner. It is me and my son. I'm afraid. Does he love me? Will he always love me? Will he resent or hate me when he is older? Does he hate and resent me now? I hope not. He is all I have. Where am I? Where am I going? What am I going to do for the rest of my life? How long will I feel this way? It is so hard to pretend every day. I know it will never be the same.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Summer Slam

We rocked. I have never done the "rock on" sign before. I always felt too old. But hey, as Jethro Tull said, "You're never too old to rock-n-roll." We scored some box seats and my family and friends got into the music.
Me and my best friend. Not that there is anything wrong with it, but we looked kinda gay. Hell, I probably would marry her if she had a penis. She doesn't though, so best friend status it is.

My niece and her husband, totally in love, did the concert kinda dancin' thing. Well, they started out doing the concert kinda dancin' thing and ended up dancing their asses off. My nephew-in-law made me get off my ass and dance several times. Of course, there was a couple sitting next to us that did everything but have sex. I don't know, I am like a magnet at concerts for that kind of shit.???

Back to my neice and her husband, they reminded me of me and Randy. Randy was way too cool to dance but the dynamic of their relationship almost mirrors ours. They say what is on their minds and move on, laughing afterwards. They know what they can change and what they can't, they accept, and love whole heartedly.

Let's not forget my adopted nephew. I had to take him. He is a widower at 33. I've always loved that boy. We truly have a lot in common now. As long as they invite me to come to the concerts, I will invite him to every one of them. He told me music gets him through.

I took some of Randy's ashes there that night. I sprinkled them at his hidey-hole about 400 feet behind the stage, under a tree. He would go there to smoke and de-stress. The whole crew was there and a couple of vendors. They all respected my husband and told me they were honored to share the moment.

We screamed, danced, and laughed at the concert...because your never too old to rock-n-roll but you can be too young to die.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Looking Forward

It is nice to have something to look forward to. I am excited about next Friday. I am going to miss Ange's gathering. I will be there in spirit! I can't miss this.

Friday September 19
4pm Doors, 5pm Show
Summer Slam
Buckcherry, Seether, Shinedown, Theory of a Deadman, Saving Abel, Red Line Chemistry

Thanks to Randy's legacy, Devin and I have backstage/all access passes. We are taking friends as well. I really enjoy Seether's music and who doesn't like "Crazy Bitch" by Buck Cherry? It is the last concert of the season.

I am ready to rock.

Sunday, September 07, 2008

I can't stop or I think

It is so hard to try to relax. I try. Last night Devin spent the night with a friend. It was the first time I had been alone in the house since last summer. It was and is difficult. No matter what you do, there is a thought, a memory; good ones, bad ones. What you would give to just experience any one of them again.

I read my good friend’s poem and it got me thinking. “I am going to sit on my back deck and relax. Well, in order to relax, I am going to set up my new mini rock water fountain. I know, I have a table down in the garage that would be perfect. Oh wow, this garage is a mess.” And it was, from all of the people here after Randy passed. All the smokers hung out there. Devin had his X-Box and games all over the work bench. All were hooked into to the TV that hangs off the wall. Took all his crap and placed it strategically on a chair @#$ ? I placed tools back in Randy’s tool box. Wiped the work top down. It looked so nice. I spotted the table.

On top the table sat Randy’s old garage stereo and his broken side view mirror from his truck. I took the stereo and the mirror and placed it in a trash pile. I looked around and spotted other things to add to the pile. Randy had replaced his electric motors for his truck windows. I cleaned up the boxes with the old motors and placed them in the pile. Placed THE table inside the family room. Put everything on the desk away and dusted it. Moved other stuff back where it belonged. I vacuumed the industrial throw rugs. Oh yeh, the table.

I bring the table in, wash it up. Move it to the deck. Rinse my fountain and the rocks that go in it. I place the fountain on the table. “Hmmm, that doesn't look quite right there.” I move it around. I decide to move the rest of the deck furniture around. Finally, I move it back exactly the way it was in the first place. Place a chair in front of mine for a foot stool. Get a glass of Iced Tea. Turned on my fountain. Ahhh, I sit down. Had to move the rocks in the fountain strategically so the light would not be too bright. By this time it is completely dark and a little cool. Got up and got a blanky. Sat down. Got back up because the lights in the house were messing with my serenity (what serenity?!) Turned off the lights. Sat back down. Ahhhhh. Try to meditate.Take some deep breaths. Take some more.

Instantly flooded with memories. Cry. Breathe. Cry. Breathe. Cry. Man I want a cigarette! I want to see swirls of smoke. I realize I can see my breath. I inhale and exhale and see the swirls of smoke. A little relaxation. Inhaling fresh air and exhaling pain and loneliness. Inhaling some of it back. Watching the trees and the stars, inhaling and exhaling. Crying.

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Labor Day Lake Trip

Me, Devin, and Lori went to the lake over Labor Day weekend. There were some sad moments without my husband there. I had never been without him. We did end up having a fab-a-lus time. No stories really, just some pictures.

Lori captivated all. She had Randy's Mom and sister stretching their backs. I had to grab the camera. All three laying on the ground with their legs up on the furniture. Yes, I did join them. Very, very relaxing.

Me, Lori and some of the kids went swimming. I had to crop Lori's ass out of this one or she would have killed me. Don't let the little school teacher persona fool you. She would have killed me!

Again, Lori has the children mesmerized....captivated. She kinda has her eyes closed and an odd expression, but I like this one....heehee. Go ahead and enlarge it...heehee. She will not kill me for this one. She will only rough me up a bit.

I seem to have a bit of a mohawk going on in this pic. I dunno. We are having some fun.

I saved the best for last. I took Molly on a walk. When we return, she always goes straight for the lake to cool off and get a drink. This time I was ready. I whipped out the camera and started filming. At that exact time, the neighbor's guest decided to walk his dog over. I tried to warn him but it was too late.

My dog does love people and small children, but she does not like other female dogs. I'm so sorry!

P.S. Lori's beautiful man was there. I didn't get any pictures of him. Maybe next time.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

It has been a month to the day

This is a video I have of Randy from the Fourth of July trip to the lake. He was getting ready to leave on his bike for home. He had no idea we were filming. This shows his softer side. He loved his little niece.

Do you know what the symptoms of Heart Disease are?

Poor Sleep, low energy, fatigue, exertion, shortness of breath, tightness in the chest, pain in the arms or legs, the feeling of needing a nap.

Randy died on 07/28/08. He went to the doctor complaining of intense leg pain on 07/18/08. He told him how tired he was from working so many hours. He sent him home with a prescription of 500mg Naproxen (Aleve).

I miss him.

Thursday, August 21, 2008


This is my new motorcycle. I inherited it from, no other than Big Daddy.

I thought it would be so hard to ride considering the size. It rides like a Cadillac. I can't believe I rode that old rickety Sportster for so long. It is just completely wobbly, uncomfortable and takes 10 minutes to warm up with the carburetor and all. Gotta pull out on the choke. What a pain.

My Big Daddy motorcycle is fuel injected. You turn it on and wait for the fuel light to turn off and start him up. I'm getting a personalized licence plate
BGDA D. When I want to ride Big Daddy, I can. It is and will be very cathartic.

I took Devin for a ride the other day. I was so proud to have him on the back. Me, Big Daddy and my son. I was riding with a grin from ear to ear.

I miss him so much; his touch, his smile, his voice, his smell. I can feel him sometimes, his essence. I'll smell his cigar or just his light and wonderful scent. I see the silhouette of his face in a bright blue light at night when I go to sleep, and feel a fluttering in my heart as his energy passes through me.

BTW. I look bad ass on his bike, or I mean, my Big Daddy bike.

Monday, August 04, 2008


My sweet, I miss beautiful man. I have no regrets. We were perfect for each other. We experienced more in 16 years than most people do in a life time. I love you big daddy. I always will.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Laid-off, house-mouse, pet-peeve blues

Important Announcement...

Due to budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas, and oil, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. We apologize for the inconvenience. (from a forwarded email)


*When you get laid off from a job you have had twelve years.

*When all potential employers want to pay you $10-$12 an hour.

*When you decide to be nice and take your son's friend home who lives five blocks away and get a ticket for doing a California stop at a four way stop with no other car in sight. ($110.00)

*When you are supposed to be following your husband on his bike to the lake and he is going so fast you are having to do ninety to keep up and you are pulled over. You know you were doing ninety. The cop does me a favor and writes me a ticket for eighty. ($105.00)

*When your old and senile cat wakes you up every morning at around six, meowing so loudly it is like a baby's screaming cry, because he is hungry. He will not stop until you get up and feed him.... I'm going to say this horrible thing, "Go to to light Bogart, go to the light".

*When you are walking across your kitchen floor bare footed and an unknown dirt source gets stuck to the bottom of your foot.

*When you have swept and dust mopped your floor and you see an animal hair ball floating across it.

*When you are vacuuming and the vacuum will not pic up something.

*When you bend down to pick it up and it is a cigar burn from someone who quit smoking cigarettes in March and has picked up the new habit.

*When you are folding t-shirts and the hem at the bottom stays curled up no matter how many times you give it the shake.

*Animal puke. Need I say more?

*When you have scrubbed your bathroom and your husband decides to take a bath (as opposed of using his shower)when he gets home from work (looks like someone dumped mop water in it).

*When a house member pees on the toilet seat or leaves a poop stripe on the back of it.

*When you sit on it.

*When your trash service does not pick up your large amount of recycling and you have to deliver it to a recycling location.

*When you go to the grocery store and are almost finished and realize you forgot something clear on the other side (really a bummer at the Super Walmart).

*When your pump grinder (temporary holding tank for your sewage that grinds it up before releasing it to the sewer), that is maintained by the city, stops working and you have sewage saturating the grass in your backyard.

*When they say they will use a shovel to dig it to fix it and instead use a backhoe that tears up your back yard (happening right now).

*When you switch phone service (you already had cable and Internet with them) because you have been laid off by the other company, and all of services have not been added as a bundle after the change. You have been charged for each service individually for three months and have called into billing countless times and it is still incorrect. You talk about being over charged, try your bill being doubled. (Isn't it ironic, don't ya think?)

*When your "all-in-one" phone, Internet, and cable service has not worked correctly for the last three months and the company keeps trying quick fixes when it is actually a tree down on an outside cable, on someone else's property, causing the problem they are choosing to ignore.

*When that company says it is the owners responsibility to have the tree removed and have no response when you tell them to remove the cable instead, leave the tree, and fix it. Claim it is not their responsibility to notify that said land owner. Still having service issues.

*When you have ordered a pay-per-view movie and it freezes right at the climax of the movie.

*When you are talking on your phone and intermittently, the other party can't hear you but you can hear them. They eventually hang up.

*When you are on you're taking a test on a potential employer's website and you are on question number seventy, your Internet service intermittently, bleeps out and you have to go back in to retake it and hope it doesn't happen again while you are.

*When you have now had 8 technicians come out to fix it and the problem persists.

I'm sure there are many others that I am forgetting. If so, I will come back and add them later.

You know what I love?

*When my blogger friends are coming to visit, go to a rock concert with me, and do that concert kinda dancing thing with me!!! Whoo woo!

There is a light. I think it is intermittent just like all my other services.


Monday, July 21, 2008

The Dream Concert - Tribute Bands

Ok...I now have 36 tickets for the tribute band concert on Saturday, 07/26/08. Come all. Bring your friends. We can meet at my house or maybe before hand at Pizza Hut. We can eat dinner and go. I'm sure the doors open at 6:00pm.

Me - 1 ticket
Lori - 1 ticket
Holly - 1 ticket
Nicki - 4 tickets
Ange - 6 tickets for you
Alan - 2 tickets - Alan, do you need more?
Shep - 1 ticket
Kelscraggs - 1 ticket
Patrick - 2 tickets - Do you need more?

Hmmm, that still leaves us with 17 tickets. Who wants to come to KC and who wants to go to the concert?

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Wooo, wooo, Joe Cocker rocks!

Pam, my sister (Lori's too, of course), went to go see Joe Cocker and The Steve Miller Band last night. Randy got us some sweet tickets, center stage, about 18 rows back. I love that man of mine.

Woooo, wooo....Joe Cocker comes out..."Give me a ticket for an aeroplane. Ain't got time to take a fast train. Lonely days are gone, I'm a going home, my Baby just wrote me a letter." Me, "Pam, it's sprinkling a little". Yes, it started sprinkling the minute Joe came out on stage. Pam and I didn't care. We were standing with our hands in the air, doing the concert-kinda dancing thing. It was great.

It starts raining harder, and harder.....Joe, "You can leave your hat on." Me, "I wished I had a hat. Ah oh Pam, better get out the rain poncho." We are using it like a tarp because we only had one. Rain is dripping off the front of it on our legs and off the back down the back of our pants. It is pouring and we are getting drenched despite our efforts. Fuck it, we are heading down to the stage to see Joe.
Joe, "Unchain my heart, baby let me go." Pam and I doing the concert-kinda dancing thing about three rows back from the stage and in the isle... Little security woman, "Mam can I see your ticket stub? Pam is actually searching her pockets, acting like she can't find it. Whatever, we didn't care, we could take her, we just kept doing the concert-kinda dancing thing. Little security woman, "You are going to have to clear the isle." Me thinking, "Hah, I could kick your ass, so I can't hear you. You are not here. (dance, dance.) " Suddenly Big Security Man rushed in on us, "CLEAR THE ISLES". Me and Pam meekly, "Okay."

Phtt, we have good seats anyway! Pam just wanted to get to the front of the stage so she could throw her bra to Joe. Joe really missed out because of that security guy. He should be fired!

Joe, "You are so beautiful to me." Oh yes, back in the day when we were young and beautiful, we wouldn't have cared about the rain. We would have been dancing and basking in the rain in our jean shorts and wet t-shirts. Now, that we are older and still beautiful, the rain was really suckin'.

Joe, "What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me?" Me and Pam, " Wooo, I love this song! To hell with the rain!" We were up dancing, hooting....Back up singers, "Do you need anybody?" At that moment, Joe let out his signature scream and the wind started whipping and sheets of rain began to fall. Joe, "Oh, it's gotta be somebody to love. " By this time the Joe and the band on the covered stage were getting wet as well. ....Thunder, lightning, wind, sheets of rain, our poncho flapping... The song ended and so did the concert for us! After the song, everyone jumped out of their seats and were running for cover. Not me and Pam, we were running for the car. Keep on a rockin' Steve, we gotta go!

Hey, who's coming to Kansas City on the 26th? I have tickets to the "Dream Concert" featuring the tribute bands for Pink Floyd, Led Zepplin and the Doors. Wooo, woo, we could all do that concert-kinda dancing thing together!

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Okay, this is what has been delt

For the last 6-7 years, I've been blessed or completely lucky. I mean I've been incredibly happy. My luck has run out. I'm not blessed anymore.

I was laid off from my job at, let's just call them BAY D & D. I had this job for 12 years. The friends I had there were family. I miss seeing their bright smiling faces every day. Asking advice; giving it. Shoulders to lean and cry on. People to laugh with. We had so much fun while working our asses off. I have done so many different jobs for Bay D & D. Every time I would get used to or comfortable with one, they would move me to another. I kicked ass at my job. I totally had it down. I just knew at any minute they would change my job. Oh FUCK no, they laid me off. I have never felt secure in my job. Always the possibility of a lay off. For once, I felt safe. Our office was so busy there was mandatory overtime and they had suspended vacation. WTF. They announced 31 people were at risk. A job was offered to us in Pittsburgh, PA. I probably should have taken it. I just can't see moving my family all over the country for a job. Hell, they will probably lay off there as well at a later date.

The good thing....I do have six months of severance pay and health insurance. I finally received my first severance check to be received bi-weekly. It was sent out about a week late. I waited and waited for the second. I finally called. " We did not disburse a check for the weeks of 04/06-04/19". No shit, that is why I'm calling. This was a joke. Those bastards trained me to do great customer service, it was drilled into my head. Calling their payroll office was a nightmare. I spoke with three people before one of them could understand that they were supposed to disburse me a severance check. I could not speak directly with payroll, only to some outsourced retards who filled out trouble tickets. I was told I would be contacted in 24-48 hours. One full week and a day, and three trouble tickets later, someone called me back. This person said she would have "them" disburse a check. So, "they" direct deposited a check for $342 less than it was supposed to be.

"They" or "them" disbursed this two week check as a "lump sum" severance payment instead of a bi-weekly severance paycheck resulting in 25% more taxes being taken out; you know, the way our government taxes bonuses. I had the opportunity to take my severance in a lump sum but requested it in bi-weekly checks because this would save me a fortune in taxes.

Another week and another trouble ticket, I was told, tough, there is nothing wrong with the payment I received. I called my old HR manager for assistance and she told me she had spoken with payroll and I had never missed a check that I received all and cashed them as well. She also stated technically I no longer work for Bay D & D and not to call her.

So, what do I do? I called my union, they did not know their ass from a whole in the ground. The only time I've ever needed them; I was not impressed. I guess I will take Bay D & D to small claims court. It really pisses me off because I have wasted two weeks of my life on the phone with people who had no clue how to do their jobs. Now I will have to take them to court. God only knows how long that will take me. I WILL get my money....sons-a-bitches.

I have been billed incorrectly by my cable company, my shrinks office, and Bay D & D has decided to give the government $342 of my money because they forgot to send me a paycheck and when they did they disbursed it incorrectly. I have spent the last two weeks on the phone with billing offices and payroll offices. I'm not getting paid for it though. Oh dear God I hope I was more empathetic and adept than these people when I did customer service. that out. I'm trying to utilize all my insurance while I still have it. I went to get my deviated septum corrected. Right now I have both nostrils packed with sponges and a mustache bandage under my nose. I can not breathe at all through my nose. When I try to drink or swallow, my ears pop. I have drainage in the back of my throat and out my nostrils. With my luck, I'm surprised the doctor did not slip and give me a lobotomy during surgery. I'm on steroids and pain pills. I'm just a joy to be around right now. I want to rip these sponges out of my nose. I'm not sure I will be able to wait until Monday afternoon. I was going to post some pictures, but I did not want to scare anyone.

Thank you God for giving me the most wonderful husband. He has been so understanding and supportive. I guess I'm still blessed where that is concerned. Love you daddy.

I'm baaaack.