Friday, December 26, 2008

Lost

I feel pain and anguish. I feel incomplete. I no longer know what my life goals are. I don't know what I want. I no longer have a partner. It is me and my son. I'm afraid. Does he love me? Will he always love me? Will he resent or hate me when he is older? Does he hate and resent me now? I hope not. He is all I have. Where am I? Where am I going? What am I going to do for the rest of my life? How long will I feel this way? It is so hard to pretend every day. I know it will never be the same.

8 comments:

Samantha said...

You are not at all alone. Not even close. My Earl was an SOB much of the time, at the end he was an SOB all the time. But he was my SOB, and for all that he put me through I couldn't erase the love we'd shared or the times we'd had.

I was forced to file for divorce. Retraining orders, the whole nine. He and his parents stalked me and ignored the court. When I filed, I did so for my own protection (so I thought) and he and they actually made my life worse. So much so that I wanted to kill myself to make it stop.

Through it all, I still loved him. The staying up late listening to Warren Zevon, talking about everything, the road trips we took, and goodness knows any on hundreds of reasons that kept my hooked to him for way longer than I should have.

He's two years gone now, and you know, I still love him. I still miss him. I wonder if I can ever really find anything close again (you know, all the good stuff without the abuse and pain) and have love and laughter in my life. All the inside jokes we shared that no one else ever got. All the history. Driving up and down the PCH, San Fran, Tahoe, Napamuch more.

Love that SOB to this day, and there is this great gulf inside of me where he used to fit. Two years he's been dead and gone, five since the last time he violated, abused and betrayed me directly and yet I still love him? How screwed up am I?

I hunger for something more, but so terrified of being hurt again. The thought of anyone getting that close to me sets of disabling panic attacks, but I still want to be held...

I have a pretty darn good idea of what and how you're feeling girl. Cause I remember the good times too, and I oh so want and need some 'O that in my life.

So I'll say to you what I tell myself constantly. Tomorrows just another day, the first of the rest of your life, and one of those days a guy will show up who helps you heal, grow and not lose Randy. Someone who will respect and honor you and your past, with a heart with plenty of room.

For now, for the days while we wait, there are family, friends and loved ones to keep up going.

You'll get there. Spend enough time on big daddy and guys will be falling all over you when you're ready. Dude's dig a hot chick on a tricked out hog.

Hang in there girl, you can do it. Give yourself time to mourn, heal, adjust and cherish ever good second the two of you ever shared. He'll be waiting on the other side when you get there, just chilling out, in new rush, knowing you're coming.

zilla said...

I can't even begin to imagine your pain, Becky, but I do care enough to suggest that when we feel such tremendous loss, we do well by our kids to guard against "spousifying" them. It happens a lot in cases of divorce or an untimely death. D needs room to be a kid, and not relied on to much, and that's a tough row for a grieving mom to hoe. He needs room to resent you briefly now and then, because kids do that. If he's got room to be a kid, he'll always come back around and be there for you.

Your world's pretty shook up, I know. I wish I could make the pain easier to bear.

Lucy said...

I'm sorry about your loss. I've lost family members and been through a divorce but have never had to go through the death of a partner. All I know is the only thing that ever got mr through bad times was time.

pearl said...

"hugs"

I heard it gets better. dont know if its true. even though Joe is still alive, i miss him so much sometimes it is physically painful.

I am sure Deven loves you Becky! Your his momma!

Sassy said...

It will never be the same, but you can find peace, Becky. You are in my prayers.

Love you!

Sir James E. Watkins said...

oh Becky. my dear sweet friend, Becky. I know not what to say. But I am here for you in any way possible.

do not pretend dear lady. express it. in whatever medium or form it may take.

you are special to me, you know that.

anyway possible.

my love to you and Devin.

alan said...

There is no way your boy is ever going to do anything but love you, even if his mouth says other things at times! When I left home at 17 a lot of my Dad's ideas were beyond stupid; when I returned 5 years later with a wife and a son he had gone to school or something while I was gone!

None of which makes it easier on a single Mom cast adrift at the most inopportune of times. Yet knowing how beautiful your soul is, I know you will get through it not just for your boy, or yourself, but for Randy as well. He fell in love with one of the best women on Earth not just because of her beauty but her strength, her courage and her beautiful soul!

Please know you are loved by so very many!

alan

fineartist said...

tears, tears, tears, tears.

Oh sister I'm so sorry for your pain.