Monday, December 29, 2008

Gotta make some changes

This picture was taken in 11/02/08 at the annual "Toys for Tots" run. Ahhhh! I have got to loose some weight! When I saw this pic, it really freaked me out. Pictures do not lie. Although I have to say, that is one bad ass motorcycle. I would look much cooler riding it if I was 30lbs lighter. This is my goal. Maybe after that, I'll go another 20lbs.

I have to concentrate on the future. Sadly, the past is past. I crave happiness. I can't have my Randy back. This doesn't mean I can't create another form of happiness.

This is no New Year resolution, this is me, needing to make a change. I have to do this on my own. No one can help me. I can and will do this. If I want to survive, I have no other choice.

Friday, December 26, 2008


I feel pain and anguish. I feel incomplete. I no longer know what my life goals are. I don't know what I want. I no longer have a partner. It is me and my son. I'm afraid. Does he love me? Will he always love me? Will he resent or hate me when he is older? Does he hate and resent me now? I hope not. He is all I have. Where am I? Where am I going? What am I going to do for the rest of my life? How long will I feel this way? It is so hard to pretend every day. I know it will never be the same.