Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Skunk piss?

I came home one evening from a date. I was met at the door by my roomy Theresa all in a thither. "Becky! You've got to help me. You've got to talk to Mark. He is going to kill the neighbors!"

As mentioned in my previous post, Mark adored his animals. Especially his stud pittbull, Toes. Toes was a sweety, peetie pie. I don't think I ever heard him growl, just lovable as hell. Some how Toes got loose. Apparently, he caught a scent of something he could not resist.

Mark heard a gunshot and in his paranoid, discrete manner looked out the window. Toes was scampering home from the neighbor's whimpering. Mark saw his prize dog and ran to the door to find Toes bleeding from his ass. That's right, Toes had buck shot peppered across his doggy behind.

Mark marched over to next door, which was, oh about 1/8 of a mile away. It seemed Toes, being the horny stud dog he was, wondered over to the neighbor's, jumped the fence, and raped his pure bread poodle. And according to the neighbor, tried to pillage his village too. He claimed he attempted to break up this horrible violation and Toes tried to attack him. Only to defend himself, he shot Toes with his shotgun.

Mark was enraged, incensed, infuriated! Knowing Toes, you knew this was bullshit. He asked, as calmly as he could to the man, "If Toes was trying to attack you, why does he have buckshot in his ass?" I'm not sure what, but the man stammered some poor excuse. Rather than react, Mark walked away quietly plotting how he would respond.

He was going to "kill the mother fucker". He knew he could rip his head off or shoot him but he would be arrested for this. So after contemplating all of his options, he decided he would pour mercury in the man's well. This, of course, with the amount Mark wanted to use, would poison the man and his family to death.

Theresa and I pleaded with him, "Mark, it was that bastard that did it. He has small children and a wife, you can't possibly do this!" After about 30 minutes, Mark agreed it would be a deadly mistake.

Mark, crazy as he was, devised his plan of attack. He waited patiently for about two weeks. He had soaked rags in paint thinner in a large coffee can and placed the lid on. He had a small bottle of skunk urine,(somehow used for hunting to throw off the scent of a human), and drew it into a large syringe. The first night....Mark slipped into his camouflage, he even painted his face just like a soldier. He crept over to the house and placed all of the rags strategically on the man's car. The second night....camouflaged, he lurked over to the house. It was a nice breezy summer evening and the neighbor had his windows open. Mark ejected a stream of skunk urine across the man's living room. Do you know how difficult it is to rid a house of skunk scent?

Mark had completed his maneuvers and avenged Toes without killing anyone. We very seldom saw the neighbor after that and when we did, he went out of his way not to make eye contact. Oh, that brilliantly crazy Mark, ya gotta love him.

19 comments:

Rain said...

I'm inspired! ( googling skunk urine)

beckyboop said...

Hi Rain,

Yeh, I did a search myself. I found H & R Hunting Supply on line:

It read:

Cover scent, skunk essence and animal urine are helpful tools to diguise human odor or attract predator and furbears. We have cover scents of earth, pine, cedar, skunk and urine of coyote, red and grey fox.

If ya want some go to:

http://www.hrhuntingsupply.com/cat_urine.cfm

Eeewww, what do you do, put it on like perfume?

Holly said...

Yummm. Skunk pee.

Sassy said...

Ok dammit...what's this Mark guys phone number? I sure know of a house that could use some skunk piss. mwahahaha

Jess said...

Aww..but that still left his wife and kids being punished..yuck!

beckyboop said...

Now, now, Jess, I'm sure mom and the kids went to stay at grandma's while dad took care of the mess.

fineartist said...

Rot row, I can almost see Sassy and Jess sneaking around scumbags yard in camo with syringes of skink urine. Just don't get caught girls.

This story always cracks me up, always has, always will. Yep.

Mooey mooey, Lori

zilla said...

Heh, heh. Pepe le Peu gets sweet revenge!

Kelley Bell said...

Thanks. This made my day. If Mark is for hire, let me know.

Jess said...

LMAO @ Lori..you know us so well..hehe

Sassy said...

*buys my camo* hehe

beckyboop said...

Kelley bell,

I thought it was ironic that we both posted a story about pittbulls on the same evening. I hope it did cheer you up, at least a little bit. I wish I knew where Mark was. I'm sure he would help you free of charge.

Big hug, Becky

Writer Mom said...

Did Toes and the Poodle get married? I was focused on the Luke and Laura elements of this story.

Poor Toes.

beckyboop said...

Writer mom,

I'm tellin ya...They should have. They seemed like a match made in heaven to me.

It was more like Romeo and Juliet to me.

Toes and Poodle could never experience their true love. What a tragedy!

pearl said...

toes was ok wasnt he?? and i wonder what those babies looked like, lmao...pitoodle puppies!!!!!!!

beckyboop said...

Pearl,

After a trip to the vet, Toes was fine. The neighbor must have shot at him from quite a distance when Toes was running away.

Pitoodle puppies, hee hee. I wonder what they did look like. I'll bet they looked very odd.

Becky :)

Erin said...

haha! Man, and I thought I was creative and unique. I once skunk-pissed an ex-boss's car. His nice new chrome-y sparkling Mercedes. . .

I wonder how horrible his ride home that night was!? hahaha.

But seriously, I thought I was the only one ever to think of such a thing. Pffft.

beckyboop said...

Erin,

You are genious too!

Becky

analyzingfunny said...

Wow! You HAVE to be kidding me. If ANY dog was raping my dog, I would shoot it. If any dog was hurtin gmy cats, I would do the same.

MArk is a total asshole, who should have kept his stupid useless pitt-bull in the house, or secured his yard better.

The old man deserved nothing more than to be left alone for protecting his dog.

I would have shot the dog (regardless of breed) in the head, back, or ass; anywhere I coul dget a shot on him.

I know of many cops who have been bitten by pitt bulls.

If I would be in your yard, chasing someone, and your dog even looked at me funny, I would not hesitate to shoot.

Keep your dogs inside, or secured, you stupid mutherfucker.