Valentine's Day - Our 14th Anniversary

As Valentine's Day approaches, depression is setting in again. I miss my husband. I found a stack of anniversary cards he had saved that I had given him over the years. He was so much more sentimental than I ever thought, much more than me.

We were married when Devin was 3 in Lake Tahoe, California and Nevada, February 14th, 1995. We eloped at a hotel called The Calneva. Half the hotel was in California and the other in Nevada. We got our marriage license in California. Our room was in Nevada. The ceremony was done in our room. However, we had to go down to the hotel lobby, walk over the state line to be pronounced man and wife in California to make it all legal. There was a big yellow line across the floor of the hotel to signify the state line. What a beautiful part of our fine country. The scenery was absolutely breath taking. We were there for 4 days, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday (the 14th). We had our honeymoon first and then our wedding. Oh whatever, we did everything else backward too. Saturday we went snow mobiling up in the mountains. You would not believe how beautiful it was. We took so many pictures and had so many people take pictures of us. Sunday, we were supposed to go skiing. There was a huge snow storm and we were not able to. (Thank God. I was not at all excited about slapping two sticks on my feet and plunging myself down a mountain.) We drove around town in our rented jeep and took several pictures. It was windy as hell but the dangerous part of the storm had already came in the night. The roads had been cleared. The snow banks on the side of the roads had to have been 15 feet tall. It was like some large machine had burrowed a path through the snow. The lake itself reminded me of the ocean. The waves on the beach were ferocious that day.

Randy was supposed to have put film in the camera, but forgot. Needless to say, those memories are captured in my mind. We laughed about that. I still do. We do have pictures of the ceremony, luckily we noticed right before we got married. We also have video of the storm, the view from our window and the wedding. The view from our window was like a post card and the video of our wedding, priceless.

We decided to wait until Monday to get our marriage license. We were thinking most places would be closed on the weekends and it seemed the logical choice. Nope, not in Lake Tahoe. I guess many people elope there on the weekends, not on Monday. City Hall was closed as well as all the chapels. The wedding was planned for Tuesday and desperation was setting in. We called everywhere. Finally we got a hold of a mom and pop chapel in Auburn, CA. It was a sixty mile drive, but well worth it. Ahhh, memories...

I can't find a job. Money is running out. My hope is running out.

Happy Anniversary my sweet. With your love and support, I would be fine right now no matter the circumstances. Why did you leave me?

A poem borrowed from my friend Jo's blog. It defines how I'm feeling better than any words I can say.


Into Your Light

My outstretched hands are becoming accustomed
to the solitude into which you have thrown me
more alone
than I could ever bear to be.

I am learning to live
with the death you have chosen for me,
more painful than any death
I have ever chosen to go through.

My eyes are adapting
to the darkness you have chosen for me,
darker than any darkness
I ever knew or chose.

I am learning to recognise
the many disguises of your love,
deeper than any love
I have ever experienced.

And slowly it dawns on me
being lonely is: turning to you
death is: a deep and joyous life
darkness is: finally seeing you light
and love is: being born over and over again.

Ulrich Shaeffer

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