Tuesday, January 13, 2009

These bags are heavy. I can't carry any more.

Some people I love disappoint me so. The decisions they make truly effect me and my life. I know it sounds selfish. I have helped, supported, and fought for them. Their actions not only hurt them but all who are around that love them.

I can't take anymore disappointment to the degree it has been thrust upon me and that I have thrust upon myself because of love. There comes a point when you have to let them face the consequences for their own bad choices in life. Shame on me if I come to the rescue for their careless choices. That pain is transferred to me. They choose to repeat the same behavior expecting different results, but I no longer want to. I can no longer carry the load of someone who chooses to inflict or invite pain on themselves. It sickens me.

I'm so sad and disappointed. I feel the pain of loss of those loved ones.

Sometimes when I'm doing busy work, spending time with a friend, or even enjoying a movie, I forget for awhile. It is like a sudden and unexpected slap in the face when you remember, "My husband is gone, I have no job. I have a teenager to raise with no help. Lord, give me the strength. I have to do this. I have no choice. I can't carry this pain with me forever. It is too heavy. I certainly can't expect anyone else to. This is pain I did not choose, but is mine. I feel like a victim, but will not remain one. I have steps I must take."

Please overcome whatever reason you invite pain in your life. It not only effects you. It effects everyone around you. Misery loves company? No, misery loves miserable company. I picture it like this... large bags wrapped around your neck, slung over your shoulders, wrapped around your ankles, your hunched over, trudging and dragging while the owner of it all walks in front of you empty handed and/or collecting more. Your back, neck and shoulders ache. Your legs are so tired you are not sure you can take another step. They are still miserable, but have succeeded in making you as miserable if not more, because you are carrying their load.

You, "Can you please help me with some of your luggage? I have some of my own that are quite heavy and I'm exhausted." Them, "You know what I have been through. Of course, I'm not going to deal with it myself. I will think you are a bad person if you don't. No, if you really love me and want my love, you will have to carry it all."

It is pathetic and desperate. I didn't mind carrying them temporarily, but I will not carry them forever or over and over again. I have dropped them. You have to clean up the mess and pick up the pieces. Get rid of them because I will not carry them again.

I don't care if I'm grammatically correct. I had to purge. Please, do not carry any of my grief with you!!! I would not wish that on anyone. I mean it!

I am going to be alright. It is going to be alright.

...... I just felt this overwhelming feeling to add, "Jo, we are going to be alright."


Rain said...

You have to take care of yourself and your son. Other adults are responsible for themselves. I'm so sorry you are going through a tough time. I'll always be your blog friend here to listen, ok? Wish I could do more.

zilla said...

Ditto what Rain said.

You know, Becky, my dad always used to tell me, "Travel light."

Don't lug around a bunch of shit you don't really need, no matter who thinks you need it.

Keep the essentials: the love in your heart, toothbrush, clean pair of panties. Get rid of the rest: guilt, hair dryer, uncomfortable shoes.

If you find yourself at La Quinta Inn without a razor or toothpaste, all you have to do is ask at the desk, and they'll give it to you, for free.

You know what I'm saying.

You have my email addy. Smoochies.

LZ Blogger said...

Becky ~ Sometimes it is best just to let it go... or in this case... elt it go off. It just seems to make it fell better. But with struggle comes growth! Tommorrow will be a brighter day! ~ jb///

Sassy said...

I know how you feel about helping those who won't help themselves, and won't help you when you need it.

Selfish bastards.

I'm sorry you are going through all of this. I know how sad, hurt, scared, lost, and lonely you are right now. I pray for you every night Aunt B.

May God give you the strength you need...

love you!

Sir James E. Watkins said...

I do not know how you feel. And I will never tell you that I do, for I cannot know unless I experience what you have experienced. I do, however, have the worst (or best depending on how one looks at it) case of empathy known to man (and woman), of that I am sure.

But I do know about feeling guilty for forgetting the pain or for feeling good for a moment when things have dramatically changed, when there is loss, when there are empty spaces that must be filled.

My love is with you.

And, even more important, Randy's love is always with you. I don’t think there’s ever going to be a time when sadness will escape you completely. But smile you will. Laugh. Feel good. Do these things for yourself, but also do them for Randy, for your son, for everyone in your world. And your world will be better because of this.

There is a saying that time heals all wounds. It does not. But what it does do is make those wounds manageable. So. I say, in time, these things will come to pass. And you will be whole again. He would want that.

love, James

alan said...

In the time I have known you here you have given so much of yourself to others, always there for them, including me.

Those who truly love you understand that your son and yourself have to be the most important things in your life. If they don't understand, then I can't help but think their love isn't real, or is for themselves, not you!

In my youth I tried to get rid of myself instead of the baggage, knowing no other way...as I look at my grandkids I'm glad I didn't succeed! Though I still carry some of it, I keep learning new ways to deal with it, thanks to learning from those around me!

My e-mail is always there for you, Becky...anytime!


fineartist said...

Hey sweet pea, I hear ya. I know what yur sayin'.

Boundaries, boundaries,

I'm gonna get me some too. Yep. Next week,

I promise,

tell 'em to call me, I think I can carry some of their bird
shot for a while...and you too, you call me any frappin' time, but you know that...ooohhh love to love ya baby, Loee

fineartist said...

Just kiddin' about them callin' me, you, you call any time,

and I will call one of THEM

to make sure she's a'right,

but both of them, um, no, unless you take one of mine down here.

pearl said...

I agree with everyone else...take care of yourself and your son first!!! some people are so selfish. They should be offering to help you out too!