I can't stop or I think

It is so hard to try to relax. I try. Last night Devin spent the night with a friend. It was the first time I had been alone in the house since last summer. It was and is difficult. No matter what you do, there is a thought, a memory; good ones, bad ones. What you would give to just experience any one of them again.

I read my good friend’s poem and it got me thinking. “I am going to sit on my back deck and relax. Well, in order to relax, I am going to set up my new mini rock water fountain. I know, I have a table down in the garage that would be perfect. Oh wow, this garage is a mess.” And it was, from all of the people here after Randy passed. All the smokers hung out there. Devin had his X-Box and games all over the work bench. All were hooked into to the TV that hangs off the wall. Took all his crap and placed it strategically on a chair @#$ ? I placed tools back in Randy’s tool box. Wiped the work top down. It looked so nice. I spotted the table.

On top the table sat Randy’s old garage stereo and his broken side view mirror from his truck. I took the stereo and the mirror and placed it in a trash pile. I looked around and spotted other things to add to the pile. Randy had replaced his electric motors for his truck windows. I cleaned up the boxes with the old motors and placed them in the pile. Placed THE table inside the family room. Put everything on the desk away and dusted it. Moved other stuff back where it belonged. I vacuumed the industrial throw rugs. Oh yeh, the table.

I bring the table in, wash it up. Move it to the deck. Rinse my fountain and the rocks that go in it. I place the fountain on the table. “Hmmm, that doesn't look quite right there.” I move it around. I decide to move the rest of the deck furniture around. Finally, I move it back exactly the way it was in the first place. Place a chair in front of mine for a foot stool. Get a glass of Iced Tea. Turned on my fountain. Ahhh, I sit down. Had to move the rocks in the fountain strategically so the light would not be too bright. By this time it is completely dark and a little cool. Got up and got a blanky. Sat down. Got back up because the lights in the house were messing with my serenity (what serenity?!) Turned off the lights. Sat back down. Ahhhhh. Try to meditate.Take some deep breaths. Take some more.

Instantly flooded with memories. Cry. Breathe. Cry. Breathe. Cry. Man I want a cigarette! I want to see swirls of smoke. I realize I can see my breath. I inhale and exhale and see the swirls of smoke. A little relaxation. Inhaling fresh air and exhaling pain and loneliness. Inhaling some of it back. Watching the trees and the stars, inhaling and exhaling. Crying.