I Feel It

I feel that same feeling I felt over four years ago. I hope I'm wrong this time.

Humanity is dying. It is very rare that anyone offers to help you. I can't say no one does. It is just rare. The collective conscious is changing. I find it very disenchanting.


I neeeeed to become less neeeedy and more self sufficient.

Patience my ass, I want to kill something

I am ready to start a new. Someone buy my f'n house so I can move on. Okay, so I have only had it for sale by owner since 09/01. Come on already!

On a totally unrelated matter...I got to sit in an Apache helicopter. It was awesome. It was surprising I was allowed to considering my patience level (they obviously didn't know). I was watched very closely and instructed not to touch any of the controls. Randy would have loved this opportunity. I did it for him really. Don't get me wrong, it was still exciting. I have to say that I felt pretty badass. Check out the guns and missile launchers on this baby!

Melody

Do you ever hear a song and it moves you deep in your soul? Feelings you had or feelings you've never had come rushing forward. It hits you primordially, sexually, completely emotionally. That's when you know you like it. Now that's good music.

Check out Sarah's foodie blog

My young cousin Sarah has her own foodie blog. The recipes are wonderful and easy! Check it out!



Blogger is not posting her link. I will try to correct it later. Until then....

http://ateenfoodie.blogspot.com/

Look at my orbs

Storm Damage

Okay, shingles were blowing off my roof holding up the placing my house for sale. Thank God the insurance company is going to cover it! A new roof will help me sell the house. Woo woo!

In thought

Sometimes I disappear. Five or ten minutes. I'm back. I think it's uncertainty.

Dressing the house up to sell

What keeps me

Am I emotionally, financially bound to this house? Why do I stay? I'm not happy with my job or my personal life. I took these pictures of what binds me right before I started writing. I find them unnerving.

I wish I could save my son.

My Plan

The harder I try, the harder I'm falling. I am about to be fired from my job. I have one more chance to meet the metrics and then I'm gone. All calls are recorded. All of my calls are being scrutinized. I'm called in an office to listen to my calls as they pick them apart. I have never been so micromanaged. Fire me already! I need to do a quick sale on my home and get the fuck out of Kansas City before my life is in complete shambles.

No comments necessary.

One victory

After three submissions, I finally was approved for my loan modification on my home! One down...

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No will

I don't care how hard I try, I fail. I hardly have the will to tie my shoes. Every day I manage to do that successfully. I guess that's something.

Where have I been?

I've been devastated, depressed, lonely, unhappy, angry, confused, hurt, crying, pitiful, isolated, bewildered... I haven't been blogging because I have nothing good or even eventful to write. I don't feel any passion for life or writing, it has been lost in this horrible nightmare of disbelief. What happened? In 2008, within four months, everything I loved and counted on (took for granted) was taken from me. How can you replace the irreplaceable?

Lori and I have decided we need therapy. We are doing two hour sessions each week with one another. This week Lori is to work on being mean. Yes, that's right. I want her to say what she really feels to people. I know by doing this she will gain respect. People will be saying, "Don't mess with Lori, she doesn't take any shit." I am to work on making plans to get out of the house. My therapeutic assignment is to go riding with my friend Rick. I mean really, why go to a counselor when we have each other. I tried it. I spilled my guts and then the session would be over. Hell, I tell Lori everything I told the therapist. Quite frankly it was difficult repeating it. I got no advice. I think the woman thought I would be content by talking for 40 minutes while she did nothing but listen.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, "Look out you poor bastards, Lori and I going to spill." I'm not going to say which one is which, but we are desperate and pathetic. It has got to change. I am warning you, this will be a process and not an event. Come to my blog if you need some cheer...NOT. Lori and I will be keeping you posted on our progress. I'm sure there will be some, isn't that right Lori?

I have missed all of you! I'm back.


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting." Joseph Campbell

Landscaping at my house

I finally broke down and did a little landscaping in my yard. I always thought it would just be more work...and it is. I LIKE it. I planted two trees and added a garden in the front of the house. I wanted to extend the garden wall all the way to end the end of the house. Drats! Two stumps were in the way. I also added a picture of the mamma deer that lives in the pasture directly on the other side of the barbed wire fence in my back yard. She has twin fawns. They were so camofaged I could not get a good pic of them. What was I thinking wanting to sell my house? I'm keeping it damn it! Anyone what to be my roomate?

Party at Damon's

I had a great time this weekend. Lori, Crystal, Goldie, Connie, my dog Mollie, and I went to visit my friend Damon. Even though it took 5 hours, the drive was beautiful. The rolling hills, plateaus and the flint hills were breath taking. My cousin Darren was there as well as their friend Jane. The three of them are best friends. He blended pina coladas and grilled chicken and ribs. He served us a plethora of munchies. We swam, listened to music, did a little pool side dancing, and enjoyed wonderful conversation with friends!

We listened to 60's R&B, blues, 70's rock, and some Pagan music. Lori has been on a quest for the odd and unusual and picked up a CD at a Dragon Dance Festival. The name of the group is Spellsinger . It was very soulful and primal at the same time. I'm not sure the guys liked it as well as the girls. I thought all of the music was phenomenal!

Molly was invited to hang out with Damon's golden retriever Jake. She is actually quite smitten with him. Even the dogs had fun.

Damon took us shopping at a hippie shop. I bought a girlie skull cap and some goofy stickers. The other girls bought hippie shirts and sarongs. We all bought incense. Then he took us all out for ice cream. He knows what girls like! He is the host with the most. He spoiled all of us girls. We all love us some Damon!

I love nice weather!

Yesterday I packed up most of Randy's clothes. It was very difficult. I was crying but still keeping it together. I was listening to Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young. The song "Our house" came on. I looked out the window and my realtor was placing the "For Sale" sign in my yard. I absolutely lost it. I was crying so hard, Devin came to console me. I hated the fact he saw me like that. He was very sweet and understanding and hugged me until I stopped. I apologized. I told him I was fine now and thanked him. The last thing I want to do is appear weak to my son. I feel he relies on my strength. It was nice enough, so I took the Sporster out for a ride to gather myself.

Today was much better. It is freakishly warm outside. It is 7:30pm and it is 71 degrees. I still have the windows open. It actually got up to 78 today. I went riding for about two hours on the Electraglide. The wind was so strong out of the south my ponytail kept coming around a slapping me in my face. It was definitely a day to keep both hands on the handlebars. Still felt so good to get my hair in the wind and my knees in the breeze. Coming back home going north the wind was at my back; no ponytail slaps. It was beautiful! I didn't even need a jacket. Came home and pattied up some burgers and Devin grilled them. That boy of mine is the GRILL MASTER!


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I found a job!!!!

I found a job!!! It is a call center environment for diabetic supplies. I'll be making less than half of what I was making. What ever it takes to get me the hell out of this house. I'm stir crazy...I'm crazy crazy.

The coolest thing about it is I will be working with one of my old AT&T mates. Together, we can make this job fun. I start 03/09/09.

Now, it's Rain's turn. (There goes that "it's/its" thing again.) Get 'em Rainy!

"So, how many diabetic supplies do you need today? I will have them delivered to your door step. Don't worry, we bill Medicare directly. Have a nice day."

You all have a nice day too.

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It's vs. its

It's me and Randy. It's my Sporster. Its pipes are loud. The other is an Electraglide. It's mine as well. Its seat is comfortable.

I have always found it's and its annoying. I'm annoyed that it just doesn't seem to be common sense. I'm annoyed when people use it incorrectly. I'm annoyed when I use it incorrectly.

I had a manager that had me type a flyer for her. She taught business classes at a community college. It was to be mailed out to faculty members and students. I corrected it's to its because she meant ownership of, and she changed it back. I'll bet she thought I was stupid. I wonder if the students and faculty thought she was.

I'm bored. I am actually sharing one of my idiosyncrasies, or should I say idiot secrecy's that should probably remain secret. I always over share.


It's is a contraction for it is or it has.
Its is a possessive pronoun meaning, more or less, of it or belonging to it.
And there is absolutely, positively, no such word as its'.
A simple test
If you can replace it[']s in your sentence with it is or it has, then your word is it's; otherwise, your word is its.
Another test
Its is the neuter version of his and her. Try plugging her into your sentence where you think its belongs. If the sentence still works grammatically (if not logically) then your word is indeed its.
Examples
It's been good to know you. Contraction: it has It's a bird! It's a plane! Contraction: it is
The dodo bird is known for its inability to fly. Possessive pronoun: its inability = the dodo bird's inability


http://www.stormloader.com/garyes/its.html


Oh, I'm bored.

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Valentine's Day - Our 14th Anniversary

As Valentine's Day approaches, depression is setting in again. I miss my husband. I found a stack of anniversary cards he had saved that I had given him over the years. He was so much more sentimental than I ever thought, much more than me.

We were married when Devin was 3 in Lake Tahoe, California and Nevada, February 14th, 1995. We eloped at a hotel called The Calneva. Half the hotel was in California and the other in Nevada. We got our marriage license in California. Our room was in Nevada. The ceremony was done in our room. However, we had to go down to the hotel lobby, walk over the state line to be pronounced man and wife in California to make it all legal. There was a big yellow line across the floor of the hotel to signify the state line. What a beautiful part of our fine country. The scenery was absolutely breath taking. We were there for 4 days, Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday (the 14th). We had our honeymoon first and then our wedding. Oh whatever, we did everything else backward too. Saturday we went snow mobiling up in the mountains. You would not believe how beautiful it was. We took so many pictures and had so many people take pictures of us. Sunday, we were supposed to go skiing. There was a huge snow storm and we were not able to. (Thank God. I was not at all excited about slapping two sticks on my feet and plunging myself down a mountain.) We drove around town in our rented jeep and took several pictures. It was windy as hell but the dangerous part of the storm had already came in the night. The roads had been cleared. The snow banks on the side of the roads had to have been 15 feet tall. It was like some large machine had burrowed a path through the snow. The lake itself reminded me of the ocean. The waves on the beach were ferocious that day.

Randy was supposed to have put film in the camera, but forgot. Needless to say, those memories are captured in my mind. We laughed about that. I still do. We do have pictures of the ceremony, luckily we noticed right before we got married. We also have video of the storm, the view from our window and the wedding. The view from our window was like a post card and the video of our wedding, priceless.

We decided to wait until Monday to get our marriage license. We were thinking most places would be closed on the weekends and it seemed the logical choice. Nope, not in Lake Tahoe. I guess many people elope there on the weekends, not on Monday. City Hall was closed as well as all the chapels. The wedding was planned for Tuesday and desperation was setting in. We called everywhere. Finally we got a hold of a mom and pop chapel in Auburn, CA. It was a sixty mile drive, but well worth it. Ahhh, memories...

I can't find a job. Money is running out. My hope is running out.

Happy Anniversary my sweet. With your love and support, I would be fine right now no matter the circumstances. Why did you leave me?

A poem borrowed from my friend Jo's blog. It defines how I'm feeling better than any words I can say.


Into Your Light

My outstretched hands are becoming accustomed
to the solitude into which you have thrown me
more alone
than I could ever bear to be.

I am learning to live
with the death you have chosen for me,
more painful than any death
I have ever chosen to go through.

My eyes are adapting
to the darkness you have chosen for me,
darker than any darkness
I ever knew or chose.

I am learning to recognise
the many disguises of your love,
deeper than any love
I have ever experienced.

And slowly it dawns on me
being lonely is: turning to you
death is: a deep and joyous life
darkness is: finally seeing you light
and love is: being born over and over again.

Ulrich Shaeffer

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